all i am is a catalyst

>>exclusion, tried, knockout, viola, invincible

you don't think of a viola, you think of a violin. in that sense i feel a kind of kinship with violas, and that is pretty sad, because chances are the first person you meet on the street will not find violas fascinating in the slightest.

i tried to tell a girl last year that i adored her as she fastened my necklace for me in only her bra and gym shorts but i could only choke out nothingness. she liked girls, i'd learned, and i was a girl who liked her. regardless every day that year felt like breathing underwater, and i held myself steadfastly under.

gaby from jewelry design is my kind of gal, except she talks about boys too much. she is the kind of takes-no-shit and will-call-you-out kind of person, a fireball, waxes poetic about the handmaid's tale and yells about girls needing guns. i kind of love her. i kind of want to have her type of presence. she takes kickboxing on weekends and tells us a story about how she was almost knocked out by some guy who she swears is actually nice; i cut myself with a jeweler's saw for the third time.

music buoys me to some alternate timeline where i am a better person, and invincible. invincible is the name of an EDM song that i am almost ashamed to like. i have it tucked in a playlist called "bops to exit the train majestically to" because when the doors whoosh open and the beat kicks in at eleven seconds, i am a conqueror of entire empires of despair. i, chin up, uncaring, bold, can take the world if it wants to challenge me. but it doesn't. it's just me.

i am not how i feel, i am at sadder times pure unhinged insanity. i like to return to my head at the end of the day because i am easier alone, alone is something i enjoy. exclusion is everything and exclusion is almost definitely something i made up in my head, one of the biggest and most tantalizingly true lies i am ever going to tell myself. i wonder if i would write if i weren't in love, or if i weren't depressed, or if i had a whole family: i think all i am is a catalyst.